On my angel baby's 1st birthday I created what I thought would be my one and only blog. It was Annabelle's birthday and I wanted to express my thoughts and feelings and found it very therapeutic. I never really expected anyone to read it, though amazingly it's been read by hundreds of people in a dozen different countries around the world. I have been touched by the feedback I received from family, friends and total strangers.
Sadly one comment that was made numerous times by other angel mummies was how I expressed what they had been unable to. Though, if I were being honest I would have to say that writing that blog was the only way I knew how to express what I was feeling and what I had felt in the first year after losing my little girl and it was more for my own personal benefit rather than wanting to actually share my story.
Expressing grief after losing a child would have to be one of the hardest things to be able to do, especially for a newborn or unborn baby. It was hard for family and friends to understand what I was going through or how I was feeling. I realise that many people don't understand how it's possible to grieve so much for someone you've never met, and I think that only added to the difficulty I felt as an angel mum. I think because most people have experienced the loss of someone in their lives - a parent, a sibling, friend, grandparent, people that we have usually met and talked to and gotten to know - how do you explain having those emotions about an unborn baby who never had the chance to even take a breath? It's a really difficult thing for someone who has never been through it to understand or comprehend.
Seventeen years ago I was sitting on the outside as I watched my sister-in-law go through the same thing, I was also pregnant at the same time, and I will admit that even though I thought I was sympathetic and understanding I was actually totally clueless at the time. I look back and realise how difficult it would have been for her to have watched me have a healthy pregnancy and eventually a healthy baby. Now I know as an angel mum you learn self preservation methods as a way of coping, but I think it must have been devastatingly difficult for her to have been around me at the time. How she even managed to hold my baby so soon after is a miracle to me.
For the first few weeks after losing Annabelle a lot of my support came from the Bears of Hope Facebook page. It was the only place I could express my feelings and know that everyone else knew exactly what I was going through. It was heartbreaking to think that so many others had experienced the same thing. I would have the BoH page open on my computer constantly and would continuously refresh it. I would spend hours reading everyone's stories and posts, sometimes crying constantly while I read. I didn't post too often, but found the comments on what I did post very comforting and very supportive.
Eventually after a couple of months I found that I didn't need to have the page open every minute of the day, instead I would check every hour, every hour turned into a couple of times a day, then once a day, then once every few days and finally once every couple of weeks.
One downside to relying on a website for support is that because you are so aware of what other angel mums are going through, you don't always feel that you can be totally honest with what you think. You want to be supportive because you do understand, and these wonderful women have given you their support but you don't want to upset them by saying the wrong thing.
Unfortunately I regularly felt like the BoH page was my only form of support. My mother and father in-law have been amazing, a long way from what used to be a very rocky relationship, and all year they have recognised the hurdles we've faced and the milestones that we've missed. I am also lucky enough to have two of the best friends in the world who have never stopped being supportive, they haven't forgotten and they've wonderfully understanding. Sadly, and since I'm being totally honest, my own family haven't exactly been there for me. I'm not angry or upset with them about it, I realise their generation never acknowledged stillborn babies nor did they preserve the memories like we do now. Since Annabelle's service they haven't mentioned her name at all, talked about her or even asked me if I'm doing okay. My only sister didn't even contact me to offer her condolences, admittedly we haven't been close for a long time but I know if the situation were reversed I would have contacted her.
Something that I have come to learn this year is that after losing a child you can either sink in your grief, you can flounder and find yourself stuck, or you become a strong tower of strength (even if sometimes it's all an act because you fall to pieces every so often). At the moment I think I've started to climb that tower, though I have slipped on a number of occasions - it's a little bit of two steps forward one step back or at times one step forward and a hundred steps back! Though I do know I am now a stronger person now than I have ever been.
We grieve different ways, using different emotions and having different reactions. My way of coping isn't necessarily the right way for someone else. Writing this blog is part of my grieving journey, hopefully by sharing my experiences I can help someone in theirs.
